I am incredibly grateful for the purging of old memories, old mistakes, old ills that I did early this morning. My immediate reaction was that I shouldn’t have done it, because I saw some very ugly things with the benefit of hindsight. And I know that I have only unearthed a shitload of things for me to work out in my head.
But they are important, critical things. They are demons and deficiencies I have to face and work through if I ever want to be truly happy.
And I do, I very much want to be very happy.
I am grateful also for friends, for one in particular who helped me out and talked to me and with whom I found a very deep kinship. People like that don’t come into my life very often, and when they do, I treasure them.
Sometimes you gotta go backwards to move forwards. It hurts and sucks and feels like someone is ripping your heart out, but it’s worth it once you have a breakthrough.
Ah, Jen. . . I know that you’re right, but this one is going to take a lot of work and a long, long time. At this point, I don’t even know how to start untangling all of the webs I’m trapped in — which is a sure sign that I need to break out my journal and do some scribbling.
As always, you say some really deep things that I find resonate powerfully within me Ruby. I would be surprised if there were people out there who didn’t have ugly things in their past and their own demons and deficiencies. That said, I think my own would shock far too many people to ever dare let them know them.
Perhaps that is why friendships are so important – even ones where you don’t feel quite so able to share everything or help you through particularly bad patches. They are still there as supports and are the kind of relationships that say “I would be there for you even if I DID know what your personal demons were”. I think we often instinctively know that and don’t need to have it spelt out loud and benefit from the comfort that brings.
I’m glad you had someone who was truly there for you and I know just how important friendships are to you – we’ve spoken along those lines many a time – and I have to say that I really, really want you to know the happiness you deserve so very, very much.
Ken, I think we all think things from our past, even things from our present, would shock — even horrify — the people in our lives, even those whom we consider to be good friends. And while this may be true in rare instances, more often than not I think we give what we’ve done too much power, and we give those we love too little credit.
You’re probably right about that instinctive knowledge about people, that feeling that they would love and support you regardless. And I think that a real friend doesn’t ever feel like they have to know everything about you, even all of the big things. They give you the space to keep what you need to private, without feeling like you’re “hiding something” or getting offended. As I write this, it sounds like a cheap, high school reaction to me, actually, that needing to know everything bit.
I did find someone, and that person was the exact right person I needed in that moment. I don’t know that I would have dealt as well at the time without them. Actually, I’m sure I wouldn’t have.
As for my happiness, well, I recognize it depends entirely on me, and what I am and am not willing to work through. That part I haven’t yet sorted out altogether. But thank you for your kind wishes, Ken.